Galaxy

I am a bundle of contradictions

Mixed up jumbled together opposites.

I am logic and order and numbers.

Everything adds up and makes sense

And you draw a neat little box

Around your solution at the end.

But I am also creativity and spontaneity and art.

Chaos and confusion and color.

I am the perfectly put together lawyer,

Defending a client in court.

I am a doctor in scrubs,

Saving the life of a patient.

I am a painter,

With color in my hair

And a sparkle in my eyes.

I am a beggar,

Living on the streets,

Hungry and alone.

I am a dancer,

Naked and wild.

I am everything,

And nothing,

All at once.

 

I wonder how can this be.

Maybe it is because I am a galaxy.

I am filled to the brim

With stars and planets and nebulae,

And rainbow patterns of dust,

Swirling around in the gravityless land

Beyond the atmosphere.

 

But while I am all these things,

I am a vacuum of empty space,

Black holes, waiting to swallow the sky.

Hungrily searching to obliterate all in their wake.

 

So maybe on the days when I break down,

Maybe on the days that I’m sure I’ve hit rock bottom

Because my soul is an empty, searching black hole

Aching, deep in the middle of my chest,

I need to remember

The galaxy in me.

Things I'm Excited About

I really hope this coming year will bring good things for me. I've been looking forward to it for as long as I can remember, mainly the amazing experiences I'll be having. (And a plus is that I'll be doing it all with one of my best friends, Em!)
First is prom in early May. Even though there were some rough details to work out, it'll still be a lot of fun. Then, once school gets out and exams are finished, there will be a long summer full of sleepovers and movie nights and dance parties. And, of course, since our birthdays are less than a week apart, we'll be turning 17 together and celebrating that.
In July we're going to Florida for a week for this missions trip thing with our school. Then, in August, we're going to Kings Dominion before school starts.
A few weeks after school starts, we'll be going to New York City! I've always wanted to go there for my whole life basically, but whenever I would ask my dad if we could, he'd say, "Just wait till your senior year." I want to stand in Times Square and see a Broadway musical and go to Chinatown; I'm just so excited and I love big cities!
Then there are all the fun senior things all year, and in May (after our senior prom), we'll be finishing the school year with a trip to Europe! I've been looking forward to the Europe trip almost as long as the NYC one. However, I can only go if I do all my physical therapy exercises and get a bit stronger. But health problems will not stop me!
Even though this school year is almost over and my "blog assignments" will be no more, I still hope to update this blog every so often and tell you all about my senior year experiences!

Joint Hypermobility Update

Well, I went to Duke Hospital today. I used to go there a lot for my eye appointments, starting when I was six, but now that I need less specialized treatment for my vision problems I go somewhere closer to home. Two things I had forgotten: the hospital is a very big place, and they have good cafeteria food. But on to more important things--the results of my appointment.
I met with the pediatric rheumatologist, and she was a very nice lady (although I could tell she was more used to working with kids.) She and her assistant asked tons of questions and I had to fill out a chart of all my symptoms. They tested my joints for hypermobility and I got a 7/9 on the Beighton scale test. The doctor kept on saying, "You're just like Elastigirl!" and pointing things out to her assistant who just stared at the way my joints moved. They also noticed that my hips move inward when I walk, causing my knees to move out of place as well; and my feet are flat which has made my ankles misaligned. I can help my feet at least by getting better orthotic inserts for my shoes.
Then on to the injuries. Ankle sprains as a child, lots of them. Diagnosed with scoliosis in middle school. That time I dislocated both my patella and my shoulder on my 13th birthday. A nasty wrist dislocation last August. Other scattered injuries, only getting more and more frequent as time went on.
The final say was most definitely to joint hypermobility syndrome and most likely to ehlers-danlos syndrome, although a completely official diagnosis for that would take meeting with a geneticist, probably far away. As they are similar and the treatment is the same, it doesn't matter which one I call it. I also need to keep an eye out for dysautonomia as I've been having some dizzy spells and fibromyalgia as I've been experiencing some possible symptoms like fatigue and headaches and pins and needles pain. She doesn't want to put me on stronger medication, as I'm already on 1200 mg of Ibuprofen and Aleve as needed, and she doesn't think narcotics would help much with the pain but the side effects would be worse. I start physical therapy soon to see if that helps.
The main thing is how it's going to change my life. It already has, but this gives a sense of permanence to it. I'm always going to have problems with this, I'm always going to have to think about it when I make plans and I'm never going to be as healthy as other people my age. The doctor said I need to use the stairs as infrequently as possible, try to not lift heavy things, and adjust the way I exercise. Running is out of the question, but dancing along with working with the physical therapist might help strengthen my muscles in a beneficial way. I'll have to take things into consideration for college-maybe a smaller campus, definitely handicap-accessible; and I'll also have to reconsider whether or not I'd be able to handle the long hours that being a surgeon requires. I'll always have to live close to doctors; I'll always have to live with pain. But as I've lived with pain since December 2012, I've adjusted. I'm adjusting.
I still have a life to live. I still have a future to embrace. This is not the end of everything. It's only the beginning.

Easter

Yesterday was Easter. So, to celebrate, my whole family, including my brother who came home from college for the occasion, dressed up and went to church for the 11 AM service. Not that we don't usually go to church, we do. But this felt different. This felt like it was supposed to be special.
But to me, it felt like just another Sunday. I understand that Jesus was risen and that's a big deal. But during praise and worship, the band played a bunch of songs I didn't know so rather than sing along, I looked around at the other people. Some were crying, some were swaying, some had their arms in the air, and this one girl in the row in front of me was on her knees. They were all worshiping God in complete surrender, and all I was thinking about was how much I would rather be at home than here and how I'd rather sleep later that afternoon than visit both sides of the family.
I think it's ok. I tried to focus. I hope God realizes that. And I think it's ok that not every one can meet God within the walls of a church building. I read a quote once, it was sort of like "I would rather be on the mountains thinking about God than sitting in church thinking about the mountains."
I think that if we assume that everyone finds God the same way and everyone worships him the same way too, then that's trying to put people into a box that very few are actually going to fit into. And if we say that's how it has to be done, that's the only way to meet God, then that limits God. I think God meets people wherever they are and tells them they don't have to squeeze themselves into the "Christian mold".
Which is why I don't understand how Christians can judge people for how they dress. I see people at my church turn up their noses at the men with tattoos, or dreadlocks, or baggy jeans who visit church with their wife and kids and maybe the family is ethnically mixed, instead of the clean-cut, khaki-wearing conservative Republican white guy with the office job and the equally conservative and submissive Republican white mom who stays at home and raises the kids to be just as polite and conservative. I don't think that's the only way to do things, and I don't think that's the reality for many families, and to shelter yourself from the actual reality isn't loving people. It's not loving your neighbor when you choose which neighbors to love.

Springtime From the Perspective of Someone with SAD

SAD.
Seasonal affective disorder.
Even though I've never been officially diagnosed, I'm like 99.99% sure I have it because all the symptoms match-depression every winter, and then stability during the spring since I was maybe 12 years old.
So I've pretty much resigned myself to the fact that about 3 months out of every year life is gonna be pretty rough.
But I keep going. I'm healthy, well, as healthy as it's gonna get. I do all the right things-I stay productive and exercise and eat well and don't isolate but sometimes at night when no one answers their phone and I can't sleep the inevitable sadness comes. But, unlike someone with clinical depression, I have the hope of springtime-knowing that when the time changes, the days grow longer, and the flowers bloom, I will be okay again.
Just close your eyes and say that to yourself, again and again, "I will be okay." Because it's true.
During the long winters sometimes I'm not sure how I get through. There's friends, and music, and homework. Books, tumblr, my journal, movies, TV. And when all else fails, sleep. But when sleep won't come and I don't want to face the next day and it hasn't even come yet, sometimes I wonder what's the point. What's the point of facing this day after day, year after year?
And then spring comes, and I remember. I remember everything about life that is worth it. And I go outside and walk around and it is like I am hugging the earth, and I am sneezing my head off but I don't care, because the birds are chirping and the sky is blue, it's so pure and blue and it's like I can breathe again. I am okay again.

Friendship

Lately, I've been feeling  more and more inadequate as a friend. Of course, I have a couple of close friends that I can share anything and everything with. But when I think about it, I used to have so many more friends. I told myself we had just grown apart. I told myself we had different interests now, and with off-campus vs. on- campus lunch and the busy-ness of our junior year, we just didn't have time to see each other as much any more. But that's not true. I told myself we'd be going to college in a couple of years, and odds are we wouldn't stay friends after that, but that's also not true. Maybe it would be more effort, but we could keep in touch, see each other on breaks and summers. Plus, we have a few weeks, two whole summers, and our senior year before we have to worry about parting ways. But mostly, I simply became self-absorbed. I thought these friends would always be there, sort of like accessories that I could pick up talking to when I got bored or sad. But that's not true either. I realized a lot of things today, and that I need to be a better friend is just one of them. So, if any of you guys are reading this, I'm sorry. Let me make things right.

Last Post of the Quarter

After a fretful day of rambling, I am almost done for now! I don't really know what to talk about so I'll tell you about myself I guess. I really like raspberries and dark chocolate; they are absolutely heavenly. Purple is my favorite color, although I also like blue and silver because glitter is great. I want to go on a safari someday. I've always loved reading books and used to read constantly as a child. I was also a little horse-crazy from ages 7 to around 12 or 13. I used to draw a lot but I don't consider myself a very good artist. I do wish I was better at it, though; but I don't really have the patience. Procrastination is my downfall. Every few months I get a major burst of inspired poetry writing and then it stops. I practically live in my bed but sometimes get tired of watching the world pass by through my window. Every so often I desperately wish I could be a little kid again, but most of the time I just want to grow up and be independent and find my place in this big, beautiful world.
I hope all of you have wonderful adventures this spring. I will update you on mine next quarter!