I have 7 more blogs to do, some math problems, and 2/3 of an essay to write before tomorrow. It's almost 7 PM and I have no motivation to get any of it done. I kind of just want to lie in bed and do anything else but I have to get this done.
And then when I get home tomorrow I have to study for my history exam on Tuesday and then when I get home on Tuesday I have to study for my math exam on Wednesday and then after that I have to study for the SAT on Saturday and then I'm free. But not really because next Tuesday I'm getting my wisdom teeth taken out and I'll have to recover from that which will not be fun so...there goes the first week of my summer. At least I can lie in bed and read and watch TV shows and be lazy and drink milkshakes.
On to more interesting things, I've been listening to Car Radio by Twenty-One Pilots for the last 3 days and it is so much more than a song it is like a religious experience and words cannot describe it and yeah, I swear if it weren't for music I wouldn't be here. Music keeps me sane when other things can't.
The little things in life are important. Including finishing my homework and going to bed.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
The Jesus Agenda
Every Sunday, I go to church, sit through 3 hours of youth group and a sermon, and return home, very confused and a bit sad. I thought Christianity was about following Jesus. I thought Jesus was all about loving others. Therefore, shouldn't Christianity be all about loving others?
Then why don't I see it at the very place that bears His name in its title?
I see judgment. I see a bunch of people who are very alike and a few who are very different. I see the many casting judgment on the few. I see the many casting judgment on each other and on themselves and I don't think God meant for things to be this way. I think He meant for church to be a safe place for anyone to be able to go. I think He meant for us to love Him and others and ourselves and for that to be what's very important. Let God do the judging.
I listen to sermons and come away with the sense that this Christian life is very restrictive, with all these rules and regulations about what you can and can't do in order to be "holy" and "set apart". You have to be really careful with what you watch and what you listen to and you can't cuss and it's dangerous to hang around non-believers and no, you can't ever do things just for yourself because that's selfish and you have to read your Bible every day and pray like all the time and go to church at least every week and volunteer and go up to people and tell them about Jesus.
Last thing I heard, all you had to do was believe.
Just believe.
This is the God I believe in, the God who just wants everyone to believe in Him and acknowledge how awesome He is by doing stuff to love other people because they love Him and He loves them. The God who doesn't focus on building your life inside a "Christian environment" but focuses on spreading the message about Him to the world. The God who just wants us to love everybody we can because that's what He did.
John Muir said it well: "I'd rather be in the mountains thinking of God, than in a church pew thinking of the mountains."
And so, no, I will not be a "Christian girl". I was not made to read devotional books and frequent Lifeway and listen to K-Love and Instagram pictures of my modest yet fashionable outfits. Not that any of those things are bad. They just aren't me. And if you say that you can only connect with God through a certain step-by-step way, well then, I think that limits God. A God of infinite limitless power.
And so, what I will be is a Christ-follower who relies on Him, a Jesus-imitator who tries to love people.
Then why don't I see it at the very place that bears His name in its title?
I see judgment. I see a bunch of people who are very alike and a few who are very different. I see the many casting judgment on the few. I see the many casting judgment on each other and on themselves and I don't think God meant for things to be this way. I think He meant for church to be a safe place for anyone to be able to go. I think He meant for us to love Him and others and ourselves and for that to be what's very important. Let God do the judging.
I listen to sermons and come away with the sense that this Christian life is very restrictive, with all these rules and regulations about what you can and can't do in order to be "holy" and "set apart". You have to be really careful with what you watch and what you listen to and you can't cuss and it's dangerous to hang around non-believers and no, you can't ever do things just for yourself because that's selfish and you have to read your Bible every day and pray like all the time and go to church at least every week and volunteer and go up to people and tell them about Jesus.
Last thing I heard, all you had to do was believe.
Just believe.
This is the God I believe in, the God who just wants everyone to believe in Him and acknowledge how awesome He is by doing stuff to love other people because they love Him and He loves them. The God who doesn't focus on building your life inside a "Christian environment" but focuses on spreading the message about Him to the world. The God who just wants us to love everybody we can because that's what He did.
John Muir said it well: "I'd rather be in the mountains thinking of God, than in a church pew thinking of the mountains."
And so, no, I will not be a "Christian girl". I was not made to read devotional books and frequent Lifeway and listen to K-Love and Instagram pictures of my modest yet fashionable outfits. Not that any of those things are bad. They just aren't me. And if you say that you can only connect with God through a certain step-by-step way, well then, I think that limits God. A God of infinite limitless power.
And so, what I will be is a Christ-follower who relies on Him, a Jesus-imitator who tries to love people.
Aquarium
At the aquarium, I wander from tank to tank, watching the fish swim back and forth. I wonder what they're thinking, if they can think. I wonder if they miss the ocean, if they're lost like Nemo was, or if they never knew any different. But most of all, I envy them, because they can't know what it's like to drown.
And I wish my lungs were gills, because maybe then I wouldn't be drowning in waves and waves of self-pity. Maybe then I would know how to swim. Maybe then I wouldn't feel lost in this great big ocean that is life.
But my lungs are just lungs and they do not know how to carry on underwater. They burn and they fail me and suddenly I am coughing, drowning. I need oxygen. Without it I can't breathe. Maybe the fish will show me how.
I sit at the bottom, on the ocean floor of life and I wonder how I got here. How I arrived at this hostile environment where a two-lunged no-gilled human like me cannot possibly survive. And then I realize, I'm the only one making myself stay.
It takes pushing away from the bottom, swimming upwards towards that ever-hopeful light, breaking through the barrier, gasping for breath, to realize that you knew how to swim all along.
Just keep swimming.
And I wish my lungs were gills, because maybe then I wouldn't be drowning in waves and waves of self-pity. Maybe then I would know how to swim. Maybe then I wouldn't feel lost in this great big ocean that is life.
But my lungs are just lungs and they do not know how to carry on underwater. They burn and they fail me and suddenly I am coughing, drowning. I need oxygen. Without it I can't breathe. Maybe the fish will show me how.
I sit at the bottom, on the ocean floor of life and I wonder how I got here. How I arrived at this hostile environment where a two-lunged no-gilled human like me cannot possibly survive. And then I realize, I'm the only one making myself stay.
It takes pushing away from the bottom, swimming upwards towards that ever-hopeful light, breaking through the barrier, gasping for breath, to realize that you knew how to swim all along.
Just keep swimming.
Saturday, May 31, 2014
What is Rock Bottom, Really?
I think that I've already hit rock bottom. I thought that when I was eleven and suddenly found it harder than usual to be happy. I thought that when I was twelve and I believed that pain on the outside would make pain on the inside go away. I thought that when I was thirteen and I sat on the floor of my room and wrote poem after poem about how much I wanted to die. I thought that when I was fourteen and felt like my heart must be forty because why else would I be having a midlife crisis? I thought that when I was fifteen and felt as if my experiences with depression had alienated me from the outside world, as if I could no longer relate to people my age who cared about the trivial. I thought that when I was sixteen when my chronic pain turned into a chronic illness diagnosis.
That makes six times in six years that I have hit rock bottom and gotten up again. Maybe I like a battered, bruised bird with a broken wing, still trying to fly. And this world keeps pushing me back down. But I tell you, I will fly one day. I will keep trying.
The interesting thing about rock bottom is that once you get there, there's nowhere else to go but up. You can stay there, of course, but I've never been able to keep still for long.
But it's also scary, to realize that this may not have been the worst, that life may have even more troubles for me down the road. But I'll figure out what to do when I come to them, and I'll pick myself up again. If and when that time comes, I'll still be here, trying to fly.
And someday, someday I'll take off, and I will.
That makes six times in six years that I have hit rock bottom and gotten up again. Maybe I like a battered, bruised bird with a broken wing, still trying to fly. And this world keeps pushing me back down. But I tell you, I will fly one day. I will keep trying.
The interesting thing about rock bottom is that once you get there, there's nowhere else to go but up. You can stay there, of course, but I've never been able to keep still for long.
But it's also scary, to realize that this may not have been the worst, that life may have even more troubles for me down the road. But I'll figure out what to do when I come to them, and I'll pick myself up again. If and when that time comes, I'll still be here, trying to fly.
And someday, someday I'll take off, and I will.
Ramblings
Some people spend the whole week waiting for the weekend, or the whole school year waiting for summer. Me? I don't know what I'm waiting for, just that I always am.
Lana Del Rey said it right when she called it summertime sadness. But maybe what it really is is always sadness. Maybe everyone is always sad. Maybe everyone is always searching. Maybe all these things that make them say, "Oh, I'm so happy" are merely distractions. And when they're all alone and they can't sleep, they realize how empty they really are. And how everything they used to fill themselves up is really nothing.
Maybe I want more than this. Maybe I want more than nothing. I'm not looking forward to summer, because summer has always meant days filled with nothing, and I need to live. I need to really live.
Maybe it's true, that you have to give meaning to your own life. Maybe we're all a little bit crazy, and the ones labeled "insane" are the ones who stopped trying to distract themselves. Maybe the ones trying to recover from that insanity are the only ones learning how to actually deal with life and fill the emptiness without the distractions. Maybe, we really are amusing ourselves to death, and maybe we're all cowards in this brave new world.
I know I've been conditioned. You have, too. Conditioned to think it's all fine and we're all okay, that society is doing great and moving forwards. None of that is really true. But realizing this and breaking free from it are two very different things.
What I know is that I don't want to wait any longer. I want to read and write and learn and work and live and love and laugh and dance and run and play and sing and listen and see, touch, smell, taste, experience my world around me. I think I can do anything. I know I can do anything, even something as seemingly impossible as be okay. I know I can be okay.
Maybe sometimes I'll spend the whole night reaching out longingly to that green light. But what is true is that I will find what I am looking for, and at the end of the day, the season, the year, I will still be here. Amen. Amen. Amen.
Lana Del Rey said it right when she called it summertime sadness. But maybe what it really is is always sadness. Maybe everyone is always sad. Maybe everyone is always searching. Maybe all these things that make them say, "Oh, I'm so happy" are merely distractions. And when they're all alone and they can't sleep, they realize how empty they really are. And how everything they used to fill themselves up is really nothing.
Maybe I want more than this. Maybe I want more than nothing. I'm not looking forward to summer, because summer has always meant days filled with nothing, and I need to live. I need to really live.
Maybe it's true, that you have to give meaning to your own life. Maybe we're all a little bit crazy, and the ones labeled "insane" are the ones who stopped trying to distract themselves. Maybe the ones trying to recover from that insanity are the only ones learning how to actually deal with life and fill the emptiness without the distractions. Maybe, we really are amusing ourselves to death, and maybe we're all cowards in this brave new world.
I know I've been conditioned. You have, too. Conditioned to think it's all fine and we're all okay, that society is doing great and moving forwards. None of that is really true. But realizing this and breaking free from it are two very different things.
What I know is that I don't want to wait any longer. I want to read and write and learn and work and live and love and laugh and dance and run and play and sing and listen and see, touch, smell, taste, experience my world around me. I think I can do anything. I know I can do anything, even something as seemingly impossible as be okay. I know I can be okay.
Maybe sometimes I'll spend the whole night reaching out longingly to that green light. But what is true is that I will find what I am looking for, and at the end of the day, the season, the year, I will still be here. Amen. Amen. Amen.
Maya Angelou
Maya Angelou is no longer with us, and this makes me very sad. Her presence in this world was as a wonderfully influential woman. Her books have changed lives, offered words of hope and courage to all who read them.
Yes, as a black (African-American? What's the politically correct term these days?) woman, her words were written to her fellow black people. But I think we can all take something away from her words of wisdom that instilled hope into their lives. I think that we all need to understand the racism that still perpetuates our society in order to do anything about it. (And yes, I do believe we need to do something about it.)
Anyway, back to Maya Angelou. Her life is sure to leave behind a legacy that only happens every so often. I would like to think that God allows people who have made a special mark on the world to become stars in the sky. Maya would make a beautiful star.
Remember when Michael Jackson died? And how every radio started playing his songs, stores sold out of his albums because people rushed to buy them, people hung posters in their rooms and schools did concerts and they even made a movie? I hope the same hype happens over Maya, that bookstores need to order more copies because there's such a high demand, that her poems will be searched for on Google, that people will hang posters in their rooms and English classes will teach about her and students will recite her poems at speech meets.
I hope she is honored.
I hope she is remembered.
Yes, as a black (African-American? What's the politically correct term these days?) woman, her words were written to her fellow black people. But I think we can all take something away from her words of wisdom that instilled hope into their lives. I think that we all need to understand the racism that still perpetuates our society in order to do anything about it. (And yes, I do believe we need to do something about it.)
Anyway, back to Maya Angelou. Her life is sure to leave behind a legacy that only happens every so often. I would like to think that God allows people who have made a special mark on the world to become stars in the sky. Maya would make a beautiful star.
Remember when Michael Jackson died? And how every radio started playing his songs, stores sold out of his albums because people rushed to buy them, people hung posters in their rooms and schools did concerts and they even made a movie? I hope the same hype happens over Maya, that bookstores need to order more copies because there's such a high demand, that her poems will be searched for on Google, that people will hang posters in their rooms and English classes will teach about her and students will recite her poems at speech meets.
I hope she is honored.
I hope she is remembered.
Why I Need Feminism
I need feminism because I am a teenage girl becoming a woman in a world that is not safe for me.
I need feminism because in ten years when I have a job, my paycheck will be less than my male coworkers', simply because I am female.
I need feminism because everywhere I go, whether it is school or church or even just out shopping, I am told to cover up much of my skin so I'm "not a distraction."
I need feminism because my parents tell me at least once a week to "never go anywhere by myself" when I'm in college. "Especially not at night."
I need feminism because when I meet a guy, I automatically feel like I cannot trust them. Even if they're nice. Especially if they're nice.
I need feminism because in 225 years of US presidents, every single one of them has been a man, and maybe I'm tired of studying men all the time in my history class, maybe I'm ready to vote for the woman on the ballot even if I don't agree with her views because I am ready to see my gender represented.
But these things only affect me, and I'm not the one who needs feminism the most.
Over 200 girls in Nigeria need feminism because they were taken from their families and their lives while they were at school, trying to get an education so they could secure a safe future for themselves in an unstable country.
Six people in Santa Barbara need feminism because a young man went on a premeditated killing spree over his anger about women. Because he thought he had a right to "have" women.
The 20 percent of the American female population that will, statistically speaking, be a victim of rape at least once in their lifetime need feminism, because too many men don't know what the words "no" and "stop" mean. (Really, do we want these men driving on our roads and highways if they can't understand the word "stop"? That sounds pretty dangerous to me.)
If 20 percent isn't enough for you, consider the fact that that's just in the United States. That it doesn't factor in the number of women who have been stalked, threatened, or harassed.
Colleges offer self-defense classes for women. Self-defense tools and pepper spray come in cute keychain forms. But when are men told simply not to rape? What college offers a class that teaches men how to not rape, teaches men how to stand up for women who are?
I need feminism because this is my world, too.
I need feminism because in ten years when I have a job, my paycheck will be less than my male coworkers', simply because I am female.
I need feminism because everywhere I go, whether it is school or church or even just out shopping, I am told to cover up much of my skin so I'm "not a distraction."
I need feminism because my parents tell me at least once a week to "never go anywhere by myself" when I'm in college. "Especially not at night."
I need feminism because when I meet a guy, I automatically feel like I cannot trust them. Even if they're nice. Especially if they're nice.
I need feminism because in 225 years of US presidents, every single one of them has been a man, and maybe I'm tired of studying men all the time in my history class, maybe I'm ready to vote for the woman on the ballot even if I don't agree with her views because I am ready to see my gender represented.
But these things only affect me, and I'm not the one who needs feminism the most.
Over 200 girls in Nigeria need feminism because they were taken from their families and their lives while they were at school, trying to get an education so they could secure a safe future for themselves in an unstable country.
Six people in Santa Barbara need feminism because a young man went on a premeditated killing spree over his anger about women. Because he thought he had a right to "have" women.
The 20 percent of the American female population that will, statistically speaking, be a victim of rape at least once in their lifetime need feminism, because too many men don't know what the words "no" and "stop" mean. (Really, do we want these men driving on our roads and highways if they can't understand the word "stop"? That sounds pretty dangerous to me.)
If 20 percent isn't enough for you, consider the fact that that's just in the United States. That it doesn't factor in the number of women who have been stalked, threatened, or harassed.
Colleges offer self-defense classes for women. Self-defense tools and pepper spray come in cute keychain forms. But when are men told simply not to rape? What college offers a class that teaches men how to not rape, teaches men how to stand up for women who are?
I need feminism because this is my world, too.
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