Ramblings

Some people spend the whole week waiting for the weekend, or the whole school year waiting for summer. Me? I don't know what I'm waiting for, just that I always am.
Lana Del Rey said it right when she called it summertime sadness. But maybe what it really is is always sadness. Maybe everyone is always sad. Maybe everyone is always searching. Maybe all these things that make them say, "Oh, I'm so happy" are merely distractions. And when they're all alone and they can't sleep, they realize how empty they really are. And how everything they used to fill themselves up is really nothing.
Maybe I want more than this. Maybe I want more than nothing. I'm not looking forward to summer, because summer has always meant days filled with nothing, and I need to live. I need to really live.
Maybe it's true, that you have to give meaning to your own life. Maybe we're all a little bit crazy, and the ones labeled "insane" are the ones who stopped trying to distract themselves. Maybe the ones trying to recover from that insanity are the only ones learning how to actually deal with life and fill the emptiness without the distractions. Maybe, we really are amusing ourselves to death, and maybe we're all cowards in this brave new world.
I know I've been conditioned. You have, too. Conditioned to think it's all fine and we're all okay, that society is doing great and moving forwards. None of that is really true. But realizing this and breaking free from it are two very different things.
What I know is that I don't want to wait any longer. I want to read and write and learn and work and live and love and laugh and dance and run and play and sing and listen and see, touch, smell, taste, experience my world around me. I think I can do anything. I know I can do anything, even something as seemingly impossible as be okay. I know I can be okay.
Maybe sometimes I'll spend the whole night reaching out longingly to that green light. But what is true is that I will find what I am looking for, and at the end of the day, the season, the year, I will still be here. Amen. Amen. Amen.